Journal 30 - I'm Really Going

So today is the last day of class.

Friday morning we have a marathon meeting.

A week from Friday I leave for St. Louis for a week and a half of book reading, packing, shopping and internet research on how to handle dangerous situation and health related risks, a Hep A shot and final emails and phonecalls to my friends and boyfriend before I become much harder to contact.

Thursday three weeks from tomorrow I leave for a different country.

I keep telling myself it's going to be only two transfers (mission time) before I come back. I can last anywhere for two transfers right? :)

Can I really do the research I'm thinking about doing in that short amount of time? I won't know what to do with my time for the first week... There are a lot of pauses in this journal entry because of all the shock my brain is managing as it considers what I'm about to do in Ghana.

I'm so grateful to all of the people that have made time to answer my questions and help me figure out how I'm going to do this field study. I've had at least a dozen professors meet with me so I could discuss my questions, concerns and interests. I think I've talked to almost every facilitator in the office, and I have taken a good day and a half by now out of Ashley's life... But despite my questions and concerns, I've been able to do this!

I remember having a companion at the beginning of my mission that said "Sometimes I can't believe I'm doing this, I feel so overwhelmed and I miss my family so much, but I can't wait until the day when I can say 'I did it, I served a mission!' and then I'll look back and know it was all worth it." Well we went home together the same time, so I got to hear her say that, I got to see her face when she realized she'd accomplished as much as she could and had survived the challenges of a mission and actually excelled in the life she thought she couldn't handle. Well that thought, that someday I'll be able to come home from Ghana and say "I did it, I survived I field study in Ghana", will be my motivating thought in Ghana when I miss my home, my culture, my boyfriend and my friends and my life in the United States. While this field study isn't just a trophy to check off when completed, I really wonder sometimes if I can do it, and that day when I can say "I did it" I'll feel a huge sense of satisfaction and self-fulfillment. That feeling won't even include the feelings I'll have about the people I've met, the things we learn from each other, the way we change from interacting and working together, and the other positive results from this summer. I can't wait!

Journal 27 - Leaving Things Behind

I decided to discuss something that's been on my mind lately for this entry. When I go to Ghana, what am I leaving behind?

Roger. So about the same time I started looking into a field study in November, I started dating a great guy... It's been a battle to get through this field study preparation AND do school AND callings AND good friends AND be in a relationship (all things that are important to me, all things I can't drop in the "juggling act" that has been this semester). But I feel like looking back on the semester, we all survived. In fact, I've become very certain in the last few weeks that if I wasn't going to Ghana this summer, I'd be getting ready to get married. So my questions (that for me are questions very related to this field study experience and one of the most important questions I can ask about life) is what will a field study cost that relationship? how can I limit the negative consequences? Is the price too high to go? What a question to start asking a month before heading out...

Fun Provo summers and summer paychecks. Some of the best relationships I've ever had have come from being in Provo in the summer. These relationships and the financial perks of the summer aren't really things I'm leaving behind as much as an alternative I've already considered and counted as worth sacrificing.

Safety? I don't know how much will be a factor in Ghana. My grandparents are worried, my mom is losing some sleep about it, and I just don't know what I'm getting into yet. My health could be at risk, and that's why I've spent 350 dollars on immunizations. I think my identity as a white "Oburuni" girl in Ghana could put my life and financial security at risk, but I expect that if it was extremely dangerous then the Field Study Program would have taken the necessary precautions and I'll take every precaution I can think of.

Culture and Context. My American culture--with all the capabilities and comforts I feel within that culture--is definitely I'm leaving behind. But this is a huge reason I want to go. It's worth the cost of comfort and confidence to learn what I think I'll learn from the Ghanaian people.

What am I getting? I've already gotten a lot out of the prep course experience. Sometimes it takes a lot to really do what they ask, I veyr often feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants, and I have had a difficult time remembering everything that's been expected because other things overwhelm my thoughts and efforts, but I think its been a great growing experience and a challenging class that forced me to learn in a better-than-mediocre way.

I anticipate that as long as I can find a way to keep my relationship with Roger from struggling or hurting, I will have no regrets about choosing this experience. If it looks like the trip will impact that relationship negatively though, are my priorities in the right place and should I rethink them?

I feel like although this field study experience is worth it for the education and understanding I'll gain before I finish my schooling, research and academia may not be a route I want to take for my life when I have a family and callings in my church. Those things are my priorities for my life, and I've struggled this semester with putting relationships and church callings on the back burner.