the lessons I’ve learned

Before I leave this place, I’d like to also try and explain some of the lessons I’ve learned about life from Ghanaians.
There are three rules to reciprocity, when I think about it as a way to win friends or pay someone back I’m thinking about it wrong and I need to follow these guidelines:
1. Remember when someone does you a favor. If someone has been generous to you, you shouldn’t feel indebted to them or that you need to pay them back, you just remember
2. Remember with gratitude. IF YOU’RE GRATEFUL - When you see that person, make time for them, look them in the eye and remember that they’ve helped you, treat them like a friend because they’ve indicated that that’s what they would like. Don’t do it because you owe it to them, do it because you remember and if you’re grateful.
3. When you have the chance to do something for that person (answer the phone or make a call to them, look up a price for something, help them with their work) TAKE THE TIME to do it. If it costs more money than time or thought you’re probably on the wrong track. A friendship is not based on monetary exchanges, but giving at a time of your abundance or their need.
These three things have stuck out to me when I’ve talked about reciprocity with Gina, Immanuel and Abena. Thinking about things this way has really helped me figure out how to handle building relationships with people and maintain them. I have a hard time holding onto a memory of someone helping me, but that would improve a lot of friendships I have, even in the States. I have a hard time making time for people when they want something instead of needing something… I have a hard time acknowledging with gratitude that someone has done me a favor, I find myself wanting to pay them back as soon as possible.
Also, I’ve come to think of relationships differently because of Ghana.
1. The first switch: Maybe friendships are maintained because of the past not because of present needs or potential for future contact.
2. Planning to maintain some of my relationships here makes me realize who really matters the most instead of pretending that everyone matters the same and then not contacting any of them.
3. Maybe friendship should be based on gratitude instead of just admiration or similarities
4. Maybe it doesn’t take being fake and sacrificing a lot to maintain a real relationship, just a little sacrifice when the opportunity arises or you have a generous thought. For example showing a person you care doesn’t take an extravagant gift or an hour long phone conversation. Maybe it could be maintained with a minute long conversation more consistently and a gift that will remind them of you or be more useful to them than to you in the future.
5. If you don’t like a person, don’t be their friend; save your resources for the people that will really be a good friend.
6. How are your friends your safety net? And do you keep them up sincerely unless you need them?
7. Should friends and family actually have daily contact? How can I keep in touch with these people? Who am I willing to do that for?

My biggest regrets

So I think I want to talk today about my regrets about research in the field.
Corrine and Deidre mentioned something this week that has me thinking about regrets from this trip. First, I regret that I didn’t learn twi better, or at least study it a little every day. I really think that with the stress of doing research for the first time ever, I just felt overwhelmed most of the time and didn’t feel like I was getting anywhere with the Twi I’d already tried to learn and forgotten.
I also regret that I didn’t write about all my frustrations with culture, moments of real struggle, and breakthroughs in culture that I had – while I think the record I’ve taken about the clinic was good as my focus, I wish I had a record of how I dealt with culture shock.
Pen ultimately, I regret that I didn’t build better friendships with people, but I think it just took me a while to realize that I really only needed to be a friend to people that I really liked or enjoyed or felt treated me nicely. I feel like in reality Ghanaians are more selective in their friends than Americans are, except that I thought they were less selesctive because everyone wants to be the white lady’s friend…
My biggest regret has less to do with this place and more to do with Roger. I regret that before coming here I didn’t think enough about what Roger would think or feel about me coming to Ghana in the middle of our relationship. I don’t regret for a second the strength it’s given our relationship, the things I’ve learned about myself and him, or the way it’s helped both of us learn to sacrifice for each other, and particularly me realize that there’s more I can do to think of someone besides myself, even though my points are pretty good most of the time, he might have a lot of good points to.
Maybe this list of things has just helped me see, not what will weigh on my conscience, but what is important that maybe I didn’t appreciate as much as I should. I’ll also regret the moments of anger I’ve had, the moments of apathy I’ve had, and the times I’ve selfishly ignored another’s needs or desires for what I thought was best for me. And those are all my regrets.